


Oops I Did it Again

by a_simple_whaleshark



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, all the hargreeves need hugs, and by god he is going to get one, author wrote this instead of sleeping, canon typical levels of stupidity and poor decision making, i finally cracked guys, i will do my best, set post season 1, who am i kidding this is self indulgent garbage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_simple_whaleshark/pseuds/a_simple_whaleshark
Summary: He needed a drink.He stood up and was about to bite back some remark when his vision swam dangerously. He barely had time to register how large and ill-fitting his clothes were before the ground was rushing up again, at his face this time. That was the last thing he remembered before everything else went dark.AlternativelyFive attempts to save his siblings from the end of the world by jumping them all back in time. There are some unforeseen consequences...
Comments: 47
Kudos: 206





	1. Back at the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I am impatient for season 2
> 
> also who would've thought that all it would take was a global pandemic for me to actual write something instead of just fantasizing about writing. You can blame COVID-19 for the mess that I'm about to churn out. 
> 
> warning for light mentions of blood I guess? Rated Teen and Up for course language

Five took a deep breath. 

This was possibly going to be the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. He had never time travelled with another person, let alone _five_ other people. He knew he was going to have to brace himself. 

He looked around at his family. This couldn’t be the end, it just couldn’t. He didn’t work that hard for that long to throw it all away now. 

So with Diego on one side and Allison on the other, he closed his eyes and pulled. Instantly, he felt like he was being torn in two. He gripped his siblings hands even tighter, willing himself to stay in one piece. A blue rift opened up above them and he took another shuddering breath and pulled even harder. He could do this. He could do this. He _could_ do this. He didn’t know what would happen if he couldn’t, and he was not too keen to find out either. 

“Hold on,” he shouted. “This could get messy.”

With one last heaving breath, he pulled as forcefully as he could manage. If he hadn’t been so focused on keeping all of his siblings intact he might have been able to relax against the familiar stretch and wrap of space time around him. But as it was, all his attention was currently being put into ensuring no one lost any vital body parts. 

He could feel his body being squeezed now and finally began to push. The courtyard of the academy was just visible through a shimmer of blue and he did his best to propel himself and his family towards it. He could already feel the headache coming on, so with one last surge of effort, he yanked his family out onto the other side of the vortex. The ground seemingly rushed up to meet his hands and knees when he finally let go. 

_Holy shit._

He did it. They did it.

He noted the small pool of blood gathering between his hands, and judging by the heat in his face, he guessed it was coming from his nose. He stared dumbfounded for a moment, not because of the blood, but because of how small his hands looked. That _couldn’t_ be right. He heard several grunts from around him and looked around at his siblings. Everyone seemed to be in one piece at least, that was a good sign. It looked like Vanya was still out cold though. 

“Oh shit Five.”

Five swivelled his head to where Klaus was sitting, “what?” his voice came out higher pitched than normal, but he credited this to the building pressure in his head.

“Who’s gonna tell him?” asked Diego, followed quickly by Klaus chiming in with a “not it!”

What was going on? Had the time travel actually cracked his brothers’ brains? 

He needed a drink. He stood up and was about to bite back some remark when his vision swam dangerously. He barely had time to register how large and ill-fitting his clothes were before the ground was rushing up again, at his face this time. That was the last thing he remembered before everything else went dark.

\---

Shocked, dismayed, speechless. These words didn’t even begin to sum up the way Allison was feeling at the moment. To her left, her brother was scooping up her unconscious sister. And to her right her other brother had just face planted into the gravel. But they were back. They were outside the academy and the world seemed to still be intact. So far, so good. She did a quick scan of her surroundings to make sure her other two brothers had made out okay as well. Sure enough, across the courtyard Diego was heaving Klaus back onto his feet, giving him a rough pat on the back as he did so. 

Good. 

Allison could now focus her attention on Five, who was currently about to drown in his own blood. 

That was another problem. Five was in one piece still, which was good except for the fact that that piece was much smaller than it used to be. If she had to guess, Allison would say that he was probably about five or six. At least his _body_ was physically about five, as for the state of his mind there would be no way to tell until he woke up. 

Allison slowly rose, brushing the dirt off her pants. She almost wanted to laugh out loud when she noticed she was still wearing the bowling shoes. They seemed to amplify the utter absurdity of this entire situation. She didn’t even know what day it was, that was probably something worth finding out. 

But first, she was going to deal with her comatose brother. 

She lifted him gently off the ground and gathered him into her arms. God, he was so _small._ And his nose was still bleeding. Great. 

“So we’re not dead. Yay? Unless you guys are dead, and I’ve just been talking to your ghosts this whole time, cause that would be totally fucked.” 

“I’m pretty sure we’re not dead Klaus.”

Allison turned to where Luther was standing, Vanya cradled in his arms. They were going to have a lot to talk about, but she supposed that would have to wait until things settled down a bit. He returned her gaze, his eyes widening in realization,

“Allison your throat,” he exclaimed.

“My throat?” her hand instantly came up to feel skin on her neck. She was surprised to find it smooth and undamaged. “Well, that’s a nice side effect.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

She smiled lightly, “me too.”

“Come on, you better get her inside,” grumbled Diego, gesturing vaguely to Vanya. 

“Yeah, I should probably get Five cleaned up as well,” replied Allison. 

Together they all ventured into the academy. Everything seemed unchanged which was a good sign. Allison had to admit that she was relieved to see it all in one piece still. 

To their surprise, Grace was standing in the kitchen, baking what appeared to be cookies. 

“Mom?” Diego’s voice was harsh, barely a whisper. Allison spared a glance at him, he looked as if he’d just seen a ghost. 

“Well hello dears, you’re just in time, I’ve got a fresh batch of cookies coming out of the oven.”

Allison thought she could cry with relief. Grace was there, and she was okay. And her voice was as sweet and sing-songy as ever. Who would have known how comforting a mother’s presence could be, even after all of these years. Allison’s thoughts drifted unconsciously to Claire, then bitterly to Patrick. That was another mess she was going to have to sort out. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 

She gazed back down at Five, who was still out cold in her arms. It was almost painful how much he reminded her of Claire now. Well minus the blood she supposed. The blood. Right. She supposed she should clean that off. 

Luther appeared to be making his way upstairs, most likely to lay Vanya down somewhere. Allison followed, turning into the bathroom. Just as she was trying to figure out how she was going to balance Five in one arm to wash him with the other, she heard a light knock on the door. 

“You want a hand?” Klaus asked as he padded into the bathroom behind her. 

She smiled gratefully as she passed Five off to him. She wet a washcloth and began wiping the blood off of his face. 

“God, he is going to be so angry when he wakes up,” Klaus laughed.

Allison tried to bite back a smile,

“Don’t laugh Klaus,” she did her best to sound reproachful but even she couldn’t suppress her smirk.

“Right, right, this is very serious I forgot.”

But she had to admit, Klaus was right. Five was going to be outright _pissed._ Being thirteen was apparently torturous enough, she didn’t even want to imagine what being five would be like. 

After a short pause, she was surprised to hear herself saying,

“Do you think we’ll have to return the bowling shoes?” 

“Nah, I think we can keep them as a souvenir. We’ve earned it wouldn’t you say?” Klaus paused, apparently in thought, then added, “it is a shame that Five’s won’t fit anymore though.”

Allison couldn’t help but let out a laugh at that. And wow did that feel good. She didn’t even know if she could remember the last time she had laughed. Klaus smiled as well. 

“We’re terrible,” she giggled.

“Yeah, but so is everyone else.”

Allison rinsed out the cloth and laid it to the side. Five was now at least blood free. But they were still going to have to solve the issue of clothing. 

“You wanna go put him in bed? I think I’ll go up to the attic and see if we have any old clothes lying around.”

“You got it Ally.” Klaus turned on his heel and left. 

Allison sat down on the toilet seat, she could feel the beginnings of a headache forming. Maybe because of the time travel, maybe because of the stress of the apocalypse still being a potential threat. Or maybe because of her two passed out siblings and the sheer amount of mess her family was in at the moment.There was going to be so much work ahead. She really felt like she could just sit there and cry. 

But she wouldn’t. 

Not when there were things she could be doing to help out. Baby steps, she reminded herself, baby steps. Right now, the first of those steps would be locating at least one pair of clothes. Everything else could be sorted out later. 

She took a deep breath and made her way upstairs. 


	2. Once more with Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five wakes up...it goes about as well as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? writing fic instead of doing my homework? It's more likely than you think

Disgruntled could not even begin to encompass the state Five found himself in when he woke up. Run over by a truck that then decided to reverse and run him over again would be a slightly more accurate description.

His head felt like it was being split in two and that someone had shoved about a pound of sand up his nose. 

He blinked his eyes open slowly and found himself staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. 

_Shit._

What day was it? Sure they might have successfully travelled back in time, but that in no way meant that the apocalypse wasn’t still on. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed to stand up. Except the floor was much farther away than it normally was. This resulted in him tumbling quite ungracefully to the ground. 

What the fuck?

“Five?” 

He looked up to see Diego standing in his doorway, a concerned look on his face. He probably heard the thump of Five falling to the ground and was coming to check on him.

Five didn’t have time for this. He tried to stand up again but it seemed like some kind of blanket was twisted around his legs.

“What day is it?” he punctuated this statement by tripping and falling over again. This whole falling down thing was already starting to get old. 

“Five it’s okay, calm down,” Diego made his way into the room.

“I _am_ calm you idiot,” Five bit back, though he was still frantically trying to stand up and stay standing long enough to actually take a few steps forward. “Now what day is it? We have to get to work.”

Five was just about to take another nosedive to the floor when Diego’s arms swooped in to lift him up. 

Why was Diego lifting him? More importantly, _how_ was Diego lifting him. 

“Five it’s okay, listen to me.”

What the fuck was going on?

“Put me down Diego or I swear to God-” 

“What? What exactly will you do?”

With the lack of any further argument, Five simply started hitting Diego with his tiny fists. Why were his fists so tiny?

Diego’s counter argument seemed to be tossing Five back down onto the bed and pinning down his arms.

“Ow! Cut it out and let me help you, you little asshole.”

“I don’t need any help Diego. I need you to tell me what fucking day it is.”

Diego let out an exasperated sigh, 

“Why did I have to draw the short straw?” he whispered to himself, then turning back to Five he said, “Look it’s only March 26th, we still have lots of time.”

Five almost laughed out loud at his brother’s idiocy. A week was not _lots of time._ His siblings would all soon find that out. 

“But we kind of, uh, have a different sort of situation on our hands,” Diego trailed off, not seeming to want to finish his sentence. 

Five also took a moment to pause. He took in the fact that Diego’s hand, which was still firmly planted over his torso, covered almost his entire chest. He now also noticed that what was wrapped around him wasn’t a blanket at all, but what appeared to be an oversized academy uniform. His academy uniform…

“FUCK!”

Diego immediately took several steps back. Five might’ve had the body of a five year old, but who knew what he was capable of when angry.

Five let out a string of muttered curses, while trying to get out of bed again.

“Look Five, if you just put on some clothes, we can talk about this, we’ll figure some-”

Five shot him a glare that instantly silenced him. 

“What exactly do you think I am trying to do?”

No response.

“Get out Diego,” God why was he still staring at him with that stupid look on his face. “Get out!” 

“Right, okay, okay.”

Finally Diego left, closing the door behind him. Five carefully slipped himself off of the bed. He made his way over to the chair on which someone had laid out a much smaller academy uniform. 

Great.

This was just fucking great. 

He ditched his potato sack clothes in favour of these ones. The buttons on the shirt proved to be much harder to do up than he thought could be possible. He was sure he might have to strangle someone, but then he finally got the last one. With the well-being of the next person he was going to run into in mind, he abandoned the tie completely. 

He attempted to gather some semblance of calm, then made his way downstairs. 

His family was gathered around the kitchen table and upon seeing him Allison opened her mouth to speak. 

Five cut her off immediately, 

“Not a word,” he stated sharply. “From any of you,” he added as an afterthought.

He needed coffee, and he needed it now. He could feel the stares of all of his siblings boring into his back, but he had resolved not to say anything else until he had some caffeine in his system. 

He bitterly noted that even with the step stool, he would not be able to reach the top of the cupboard. So he jumped instead. This proved to be a mistake and he hissed at the pain that shot through his head with searing fury. 

Everyone remained silent.

After grabbing a mug, he carefully slid off the counter and back onto the ground. He began pouring a cup of coffee, when Allison tried to speak up again,

“Five I don’t know if coffee is the best-”

“Did I ask?” He shot her another glare which silenced her. 

He took a place sitting at the end of the table and looked around at all of his siblings who were still staring at him. 

He took a slow sip from his cup and almost gagged when the coffee hit his tongue.

Great. 

Another thing that was ruined. 

He quickly schooled his expression and set the mug down away from him. 

“So, any progress on stopping the apocalypse yet?” 

After a short pause, Vanya piped up from the other end of the table,

“Well, I don’t really foresee myself blowing up the moon again anytime soon, so that’s good right?”

Five thought for a moment,

“Yes I suppose that is a step in the right direction.”

No one seemed to have anything to say after that. 

Luther seemed resolute on not making eye contact with anyone, Klaus and Vanya were both staring into their laps, Diego was focused on the knife twirling in his fingers, and Allison was looking at Vanya. 

“So if that’s all there is to it, may we be dismissed?” Klaus was already getting up to leave.

“Hold on,” Five rubbed his temples in an attempt to ease pounding in his head, “it’s not going to be that easy. For one thing the commission is probably going to be prowling around still, and who knows what The Handler is up to.”

“So we should avoid going anywhere alone?” 

“Yes I would probably say that’s a good idea Allison. Just,” he pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, “Just keep a look-out and try not to do anything tremendously stupid.” He slid out of his chair and started his way back upstairs, “if you’ll excuse me, I have some equations to run over, the life or death kind, please don’t interrupt me.”

Over his shoulder he heard Klaus theatrically whispering,

“Is it just me, or is he even cuter when he’s grumpy?”

God. This was going to be the worst. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me wondering if this is considered chaotic enough in the Hargreeves books: What if they start beating each other up?


	3. All Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is an asshole, everyone apologizes and we all move on with our lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, sorry this is kind of a filler chapter I guess, and there is not very much Five. But I feel like this conversation is necessary

The rest of the siblings were left sitting at the table. Allison found herself looking at Vanya, guilt pooling sickeningly in the pit of her stomach. Everyone remained silent. There was too much to say. No one knew where, when, or how to begin. Just as Allison felt like she could be about to say something, Luther took a deep breath and finally brought his gaze down from the ceiling,

“Look,” he began, “I think that already we all agree that this was my fault. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, but probably nothing as stupid as locking a family member up and abandoning them.” 

Everyone’s eyes were then on Vanya, who sighed, then finally replied with,

“Luther it’s not as simple as that.”

“It was wrong,” he protested.

“Oh don’t worry, I’m definitely not saying it was the  _ right _ thing to do. But it’s also not completely  _ your _ fault that I blew up the moon.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room once again. 

“I’m sorry Vanya. I know that probably doesn’t help with anything, but I do want you to know that I  _ am  _ sorry,” Luther said after a while. 

He was trying, but Allison did have to admit that it didn’t really make anything better. 

“Vanya, I’m sorry too. For everything,” Allison started, “I should’ve listened more, I should’ve been a better sis-”

“Look, this doesn’t have to become ‘apologize to Vanya for her shitty life’ hour okay?” Vanya interrupted. “I’ve been thinking, and you were right Allison, we were all just kids. We didn’t understand. It’s not really fair of me to harbour grudges against all of you just because of what Dad did.”

“Vanya I-”

“You know what,” now it was Klaus who was interrupting, “I think we are all going to have to come to terms with the fact that we all made mistakes and that we are all giant assholes, but most importantly that we’re all sorry. Otherwise, we’re going to be here for days.” 

“I think Klaus is right,” Diego chimed in. And when Allison shot him her ‘are you serious?’ look, he added somewhat defiantly, “and I’m not just saying that because I don’t want to apologize. Because I’m sorry too.”

Everyone mumbled out their apologies and acceptances. But it still didn’t feel quite right to Allison.

“What so now we’re just supposed to pretend to be a happy family?” she asked. 

“Well no, but I’m thinking we should probably save the group therapy until after we save the world right?” Klaus replied. And even Allison had to admit that he had a point. 

“Yeah just cause I’m sorry for blowing up the moon doesn’t mean I don’t think you guys are all assholes,” Vanya said, her tone light. Allison was surprised she was already able to joke about it. Heaven knows that Allison wouldn’t have been. It was the little things like this that made her glaringly aware of just how little she actually knew about her family. 

“Yeah join the club,” Diego replied gruffly, but again there was no bite behind his words. “Anyways, I’m going to head down to the police station, see if I can gather up any information there.”

“Ooh, I’ll come with,” Klaus jumped in.

“Yeah, no you won’t,” Diego threw over his shoulder as he left. 

“Oh come on, you’re no fun,” Klaus sat back down. 

“I think I’ll take a look around the house, maybe I can actually find something useful this time,” Luther stood up. 

“I’ll join you,” Allison said as she got up to follow him. They had a lot to talk about after all. 

That left Klaus and Vanya at the table. 

“I’m going up to my room, I’ve got a lot of...processing to do,” Vanya finally spoke. 

“Alright sis. I might try to talk to good ol Reggie, Ben thinks it’s a good idea, and all of my best decisions have been Ben’s ideas, so I’m inclined to listen to him from time to time,” Klaus smiled, then made his way to the living room. 

\---

Vanya was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling when Five appeared in her room. Apparently he was feeling well enough to be jumping again. Or he had decided to completely disregard his own well-being. 

“I need you to come with me,” he stated flatly. 

“Isn't it dangerous?” She asked as she sat up, “don’t you want someone who might be a bit more useful?” she asked, she couldn’t help but feel like even Klaus or Allison would be more help than her. 

“While I appreciate your concern, I’m fairly certain the commission isn’t that fast, so we should be safe for a while,” he paused and thought for a moment. Vanya almost smiled at how cute Five looked when he was deep in thought like this, then she had to internally scold herself because she knew he wouldn’t appreciate her thinking that. “And if they are looking for me, they’ll probably be looking for the thirteen year old me, which will certainly throw them off the scent a bit.”

“Okay.”

“Besides you’re the only person in this family that I trust to have an ounce of common sense.”

Vanya did smile at that,

“Okay. Where are we going?” She asked as she got off the bed. 

“The library. We need more information.”

That seemed like all he was going to say for now, so she simply shrugged her shoulders,

“Okay.”

\---

Almost there. Diego knew the way by heart, he felt like he had made this trek over a thousand times before. But he had to know for sure. He had to make sure Eudora was still alive. It might’ve been silly but he couldn’t care less at this point. He had to see her breathing. Even if she still wanted nothing to do with him. He had to see her breathing.

He was just making his way up her front steps when she came out the door, coffee in hand. 

“Oh thank God,” Diego let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He wasted no time in wrapping his arms around her. He was acting like a crazy person but it didn’t matter. 

“Wow, hi. Are you okay?” and there was Patch, gentle and concerned as ever. 

He let her go and took a step back, his arms falling lamely to his sides. 

“You want the long answer or the short one?” he asked, only half jokingly. 

“Well I do still have to go to work,” she smiled.

“Then yes.”

“What happened?”

“It’s sort of a long story, come on I’ll walk you to work.”

She laughed,

“Thanks for the offer, but I normally drive to work,” she made her way to the driver's side door of her car and upon looking back at him rolled her eyes, “get in.” 

Diego gladly did so.

“So did I ever tell you about my brother Five?” he asked. 

“You mean the one who went missing when you guys were kids?” she replied, shifting the car into gear. 

“Yeah that’s the one. Thing is he’s not exactly missing anymore.”

“Not exactly?” She quirked an eyebrow, “your family is so fucking weird.”

“Tell me about it.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In summary this family is a mess and everyone is trying their best. Stay tuned for more Five shenanigans next time
> 
> also I have a tumblr -> quelquechose-enfrancais  
> my blog is honestly a mess as well, but feel free to come scream at me because I have a lot of feelings about my umbrella kids


	4. No Time for Storytime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five and Vanya take a field trip to the library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this bish written, YEET

Vanya got them a taxi and they set off to the library. Five was silent for the whole ride there, except for when he would occasionally mumble to himself and count something out on his fingers. Vanya didn’t want to disturb him, so she stayed silent as well. 

When the cab pulled up in front of the library Five wasted no time in paying the driver and hopping out. The driver threw Vanya a questioning stare through the rear-view mirror. 

“He likes to feel independent,” she stated simply, then got out as well. However, she herself was also wondering where Five had acquired that money. Maybe she didn’t want to know. 

Upon entering the library, they were immediately accosted by a librarian who implored they join the group for storytime that was just beginning. Five looked utterly appalled,

“If you actually think-” he began, but Vanya was not going to let him finish _that_ sentence.

“Sorry, we’re in a bit of a hurry today,” she smiled apologetically as she whisked Five away and tried to ignore the astonished face of the older woman. 

Five harrumphed indignantly, but other than that seemed mostly unfazed. She watched him crawl up onto a chair so he could start up a microfiche. He sat down, then realized he wouldn’t be able to reach. Vanya had half a mind to prepare herself for a small outburst, but he only sighed heavily and opted to stand on the chair.

“Do you want a booster-”

“No.”

Right. Okay, she wasn’t going to push it then. She also pulled up a chair and sat down beside him. 

“What kind of information are we looking for exactly?” she asked. 

“Mostly information on Leonard Peabody,” he hummed lightly, “but really anything will help at this point. I don’t exactly have a lot to go on.”

“Right, okay.”

Leonard Peabody was not exactly a topic she wanted to discuss right now. But she had a feeling she wouldn’t be able to avoid it much longer. And besides she couldn’t help but feel flattered that Five had chosen her to accompany him. It felt good to be included, even if it was only by her fifty-eight year old grumpy baby brother. 

After a couple moments of silence, Five piped up again,

“So you have powers then?”

“Yeah. I guess so.” 

It was a weird thing to come to terms with after a whole life of feeling like she was nothing. To find out she had super powers, and like _mega_ super powers at that. She almost wondered if her life would have been easier if she had never known. 

“It doesn’t change my opinion of you. Just so you know.”

Five was staring intently at the screen. If Vanya didn’t know any better, she would have thought he was more determined on not making eye contact than on actually doing any research. 

“Well _clearly_ I never let anyone’s opinion of me control my life so that’s good,” she laughed. It was easier to joke about things like this. As long as she was laughing, she wasn’t crying. 

Five’s face twitched up in a way that could possibly be considered a grin. 

Eventually he powered down the microfiche and hopped off the chair.

“Well, the good news is that Leonard be Peabody is basically non-existent.”

“I’m sorry, how is that _good_ news?”

“Because now we don’t have to worry about anyone finding out when we kill him,” he stated, a little too matter of factly for someone who wasn’t even big enough to reach the kitchen sink. 

“ _Five_!”

“What?” he replied indignantly.

“Could you at least _try_ to keep your voice down if we are going to be discussing murder in a public place?”

He simply rolled his and shoved his hands in his pockets. And God, what a Five thing to do. It was slightly unfamiliar on this body, but it was a distinctly Five mannerism nonetheless. 

He turned on his heel and began to leave, Vanya followed. She was glad they were leaving, the librarian had been continually throwing judgemental looks their way and Vanya wanted to avoid as much conflict as possible. Who knew what Five would have done to the poor lady if she had tried to offer him another story.

On the way back to the academy, Five was silent again. Vanya chanced a question,

“So do you, um have a plan?”

Five scrubbed his hands over his face, a gesture that somehow managed to make him look impossibly young while also emphasizing all of his years of exhaustion. 

“I guess our first step is to find and kill Peabody,” he paused and thought for a moment. Vanya had to remind herself again not to see him as cute. He was literally talking about killing a man for God’s Sake, how did he still manage to make it look adorable? “Mind you, that didn’t exactly stop the apocalypse the first time,” he continued.

“Right.”

“If I may ask, what exactly made you blow up the moon the first time?” 

Vanya scoffed, Five never had been one for tact, even before he disappeared. 

“Wow don’t hold back there Five,” she laughed. But when she looked back at him, he was staring at her intently, like he was trying to dissect and understand her with only his eyes. It was a little unnerving so she quickly replied,

“I don’t know, I think I was just sick and tired of being left out of literally everything and I guess I just finally snapped. I mean I had also just found out that the first man who I had ever thought could love me was a lying psychopath. And that everyone I had ever trusted had been lying to me my whole life. I guess you can say it was kind of a rough day overall.”

Five seemed to take a second to mull this over. 

“If it makes you feel better, I think I’ll stay on my medication a little bit longer. So I can, you know, actually learn to control my powers,” she continued. “And I think I can keep my cool until April 2nd. The apocalypse is supposed to happen on the 1st right? Can’t we just wait it out?” She knew it was probably going to be more complicated than that, but hey, a girl could hope. 

“Yeah,” Five said after a while. “We can just wait it out.” Though he didn’t sound convinced either. 

He was silent for the rest of the way home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, looks things are starting to get figured out, it sure would be a shame if Hazel and Cha Cha were to come back 👀


	5. Here We Go Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was precisely one thought running through Five’s head at the moment. That thought was fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the chapter where I pretend to know about math and time travel

Five groaned in frustration. It had already been a full two days and they hadn’t seemed to have made any progress at all. There had been no signs of Leonard Peabody, which was puzzling. Five would have thought he would have made some appearance by now. Speaking of people he thought would have made an appearance by now, the commission had been oddly silent as well. Not that he was complaining about that, but it did set him on edge. 

He took a step back from the wall to double check his equations. 

_ Fuck,  _ he had forgotten to carry a two. He sighed as he smudged that section out with the side of his hand so he could start again. Dolores would have pointed that out. But she wasn’t here. Five wished that she was. Five missed her, more than he cared to admit. She had always been the calm voice of reason that could talk him off any ledge. And sure he loved his siblings, but they were not exactly the most reasonable people in the world. 

Though he did appreciate their help. Diego and Klaus had been pooling their efforts to try and locate Peabody while Luther had been keeping watch over the academy. Allison had just stopped by his room to drop off some clothes that she had purchased on a shopping trip with Vanya. He was silently grateful for this as it was becoming more and more apparent to him how unfit his uniform shorts were for this March weather. He was also thankful to have a pair of slightly more comfortable shoes. And he could console himself that it was good that Vanya and Allison were spending more time together. Vanya not only deserved to be included, but needed to be included and to feel included. Five was finding it increasingly difficult not to think of his sister as a ticking time bomb. 

Goddammit, if he could just get this equation right. The chalk he was using snapped in his hand and he let out another groan. 

Okay, if he could just pinpoint what had already changed in this timeline, he could figure out what else they needed to do differently. 

Number one, they all knew Vanya had powers. Number two, they all knew about Leonard Peabody’s psychotic tendencies. Number three, he was in the body of a fucking five year old. He raked his hands through his hair, getting chalk dust everywhere in the process, but he had bigger things to worry about. 

He needed a break, he needed to clear his head. He needed Dolores. 

Surely it couldn’t hurt to go and retrieve her? He had only returned her in the previous timeline because he thought he wouldn’t need her anymore. Because he thought the apocalypse was over. But it wasn’t and now he needed her again. He needed her help. 

He glanced out his window and was surprised to find the sun already setting in the sky. Fuck, another day gone, he thought dully. But this was also good, the department store would be closed and he could easily jump in and jump out. 

He slipped his shoes and coat on. He contemplated using the front door, but he didn’t want his siblings to know what he was doing, so he opted for the fire escape instead. Of course it was a bit trickier thanks to his shorter legs and the stupid ladder rungs that just had to be placed so far apart. But he eventually got to the bottom and braced himself for the jump to the ground. He landed harshly and had to catch himself on his hands, but other than that he was fine. He dusted himself off and began the trek to the store. He figured he would walk the first part of the way there in order to conserve as much energy as possible. 

It was almost fully dark now so Five could stay easily hidden in the shadows. He was not particularly keen on having a run-in with anyone tonight, even if it was only some street bum. 

Eventually he found himself in front of the store, the red letters of the Gimbel Brothers logo lighting up the empty parking lot. He jumped inside, steering himself towards the back of the store where he knew Dolores would be. Last time Hazel and Cha Cha had intercepted him here. But in the previous timeline that had been on the 26th, it was the 28th now. 

Almost there, then he could grab Dolores and jump home. 

Suddenly, there was a crash from the other end of the store.

_ Shit. _

He quickly scrambled behind a clothing rack as the glow of machine gun fire lit up the store. 

How was this possible? 

He heard the clatter of things falling to the ground and briefly glanced up to see that Dolores was no longer standing up. 

This was bad. This was very bad. If this part of the timeline could still remain intact, who knew what else could be unfavourably preserved. 

He had to get out. Now. 

But not before he got Dolores. Otherwise this whole trip would have been a waste of time. It would have been for nothing. 

There was another smash as more goods fell to the floor. He scurried around another clothing rack in an attempt to get closer to Dolores. He didn’t think he could fight Hazel and Cha Cha again, he needed to save his energy for the jump home. After all, last time they had almost bested him. 

There was precisely one thought running through Five’s head at the moment. That thought was  _ fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. _

A bullet whizzed past him, grazing his arm. He drew a hissed breath in between his teeth. This was starting to feel all too similar to the first time. He had to make it different. Fuck, how was he going to make it different?

Realization hit him with an accompanied sinking feeling in his stomach. He was going to have to leave Dolores behind. It was the only thing he could think of. He had to get out of there and fast. 

He could see her lying on the ground, just out of reach. But the risk was too great. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, then geared himself for a jump. 

But his emotions must have gotten the better of him because he had somehow miscalculated. Instead of landing in front of the academy, he was still in the store. And what’s worse was that he found himself face to face with Hazel, who was only a few paces away. The gun was aimed right at him and Five swallowed harshly. But nothing happened. Hazel stared for a few moments, then fired a shot that was much too far to the left to have been an accident. 

"Did you get him?"

Hazel shook his head,

"No. The little bastard jumped again."

Five wasted no time in getting the hell out after that. But he couldn’t help the weird feeling that had settled in his chest. Why hadn’t Hazel shot him? 

Five tried to ignore the lump in his throat as he made his way back up to his bedroom. He swiped the back of his forearm across his face, he didn’t have time for any trifling emotions. And now that his adrenaline was returning to back to somewhat normal levels he was aware of the dull ache in his right arm. He sighed, he would have to stitch that up later. Maybe he would even get Grace’s help. But for now, he bent down to pick up one of the chalk pieces left on the floor and took another crack at that Goddamn equation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me trying to write a plot to make up for my innate desire to write grumpy baby five: ah yes math and probability, i know of it
> 
> seriously though drop any questions, comments, and concerns below and i will try my best to explain myself


	6. You've Got to be Kidding Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why the fuck was her kid brother covered in blood again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time i finish writing a chapter i have to physically restrain myself long enough to proof read at least once before yeeting it onto the internet for validation, anyways chapter 6 ta da

Allison was making her way back to bed when she noticed the light was still on in Five’s bedroom. She sighed as she knocked lightly on the door. It wouldn’t hurt to at least check on him, after all he’d been up here alone all day. He was probably losing his mind.

When no answer came Allison pushed the door open.

“Five?” 

She was only slightly surprised to see him passed out on the floor, a piece of chalk still clutched in his hand. She tried to suppress a giggle, but then remembered that Five couldn’t yell at her because he was sleeping. However, her grin did fade a bit when she noticed he was wearing his shoes and coat.

That was weird. Had he left the house? She really hoped he hadn’t gone anywhere alone. Especially after thoroughly advising all of  _ them  _ not to do anything stupid. 

She bent down to remove the chalk from his hand.

“Oh Five,” she sighed as she set it back on his desk. “What are we going to do with you?”

She peeled back the covers on his bed, which looked suspiciously untouched, then scooped him off the floor and laid him down. 

“Ugh why are you so dirty?” she muttered to herself as she slid off his shoes. He seemed to have gotten chalk dust on almost every part of his body, and was that blood? Allison stilled. It was blood. Why the fuck was her kid brother covered in blood again?

For a moment, she dimly hoped it was somebody else’s. But she quickly decided that she did not like that image any more and she shook her head to erase it from her mind. 

She moved to gently take off his jacket, which revealed a small gash on his upper arm.

Great, so it was his blood. 

“Five, what the fuck?” 

He stirred slightly in his sleep,

“Leave me alone,” he mumbled. 

“Sorry, but no.”

Thankfully, he made no protests when she lifted him back up. There was no way she was going to let him hide any more injuries from her. She was determined not to let him almost bleed out again. She made her way to the infirmary, Grace was probably charging but Allison figured she could handle this one herself. This was one of those times when she was actually grateful for all of the crazy training their dad put them through. Because hey, at least she knew how to stitch up a wound. 

“Okay Five, you’re gonna have to sit up now,” she instructed as she set him down on a bed.

He blinked blearily up at her,

“What?”

“Just try to stay sitting up, okay?” 

He was quiet as she cleaned the blood off his arm, she couldn’t tell if this was out of annoyance or exhaustion. However, one look at the glazed expression on her brother’s face had her leaning more towards the side of exhaustion. 

“So you wanna tell me why you’re hellbent on getting yourself killed while we’re not watching?” Allison asked, if only to dispel the weird silence that had fallen over them. 

“Huh?” 

“Why don’t you ask us for help?

He hissed and drew back as she applied a disinfectant. 

“Sorry,” she added. 

“You would get hurt,” he eventually mumbled out. 

Allison could have sworn her brain actually short circuited in that moment. The idea that her brother was so fiercely protective of them that he would willingly risk his own life was almost too much on its own own. Then it was coupled with the fact that he really felt like he couldn’t trust them at all. A wave of conflicting emotions swept through her, she couldn’t decide if she wanted to wrap the little bastard up in a hug or bash his head into the nearest wall in hopes of knocking some self-preservation skills into him. 

“We’re adults Five, we can handle ourselves,” she said instead. 

“But you’re all so stuuupid,” he whined.

Yeah, she thought, we’re the stupid ones. As if she wasn’t literally in the middle of bandaging up what looked like a bullet wound that he had been perfectly happy to ignore. 

Whatever, this was not an argument she was about to have with a whiny five year old, no matter how old he was mentally. 

Instead, she picked him up again, he must have been exhausted judging by the way he allowed himself to flop against her. 

“Okay, bedtime I think. For real this time.” 

She made her way back to Five’s room and deposited him gently on the bed. She briefly contemplated changing him into a pair of pajamas, then quickly chased that thought away. She would like to keep her kneecaps she decided. But when she brought the covers up over him, she couldn’t help herself from brushing the hair out of his face. 

“Goodnight,” she whispered, but he was already fast asleep. 

She flicked off the light and closed the door behind her. 

This time on her way back down the hall, she heard muttering coming from Klaus’ room. 

All she had wanted was a drink of water and suddenly the night was turning into therapy hour with Allison. 

Nevertheless, she knocked on Klaus’ door. She had resolved to be a better sister, if that meant checking up on her siblings in the later hours, so be it. 

“Hey,” she said softly as she entered.

“Oh, hey Ally,” Klaus peeked at her from under his arm, then threw it back over his face. It looked like Five wasn’t the only one who was having trouble sleeping tonight. She sat down on the end of the bed, near Klaus’ feet. 

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Oh you know, the usual,” he sighed, “the constant screaming voices of the dead, the childhood trauma, and of course I miss my boyfriend who died fifty years ago.”

She winced, but he smiled.

“Sorry to be a downer,” he laughed. “To be fair you walked into that one. Asking me how I am doing is always going to open a huge can of worms.” 

“Right, I’ll remember that for next time.”

“I miss drugs,” he stated simply. But when Allison shot him a concerned look he quickly added, “oh don’t worry, I’m not going to start again. Not if Ben has anything to say about it at least. Right Ben?” he threw a wink at his empty chair. 

“Hi Ben,” Allison smiled.

“He says hi back.”

Klaus sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face,

“It’s just, it’s just hard you know?” 

Allison placed her hand on his ankle,

“I know.” 

A silence fell over them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Allison had a feeling that anything she could say wouldn’t help all that much anyways. So she opted to stay quiet and offer her silent support. 

“What are you doing up anyways?” he asked after a while.

“Oh you know, the usual,” she replied, “bandaging up our idiot brother and dragging him to bed.”

Klaus laughed lightly,

“Which one?” 

“Take a guess.”

“Hmm toughy, but I’m gonna go with Five?”

“How did you know?” she gasped in mock surprise. 

“Just a hunch. Typical Five behaviour,” he finished with a yawn. 

Allison could feel her eyelids starting to get heavy as well, she stifled her own yawn then got up from the bed.

“If I leave, do you think you’ll be able to sleep?”

“Ha you caught my yawn!”

She rolled her eyes, “Klaus?” 

“Yeah yeah, I’ll fall asleep eventually,” he dismissed with a wave of his hand. 

She made her way to the door.

“Light on or off?” she asked.

“You can turn it off,” he replied, then apparently as an afterthought added, “hey did you know turtles can’t catch yawns? Like how humans catch yawns because of empathy or whatever. I guess turtles lack empathy. Maybe Five’s a turtle, he kinda looks like a turtle. Wouldn’t you say that he looks like a turtle?”

She rolled her eyes again,

“Goodnight Klaus.” 

“Night Ally!”

She started on her way back to her own room, hoping that this time she would make it there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> allison is doing her best and i support her. stay tuned next time for more hazel shenanigans


	7. Coffee and Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five takes some time out of his day to meet a 'friend'.

Five woke up in bed. Which was weird because he distinctly remembered not going to bed last night. In fact he had intended on staying up to finish the rest of his equations. But clearly his night had not gone to plan. 

God, the more he remembered the worse it got. First of all there was the whole department store fiasco. That was something he would rather forget. And to top that off he vaguely remembers talking to Allison, and a trip to the infirmary? A quick check to his injured arm that was now bandaged up confirmed that suspicion. He scrubbed a hand over his face in an attempt to wake himself up. He was barely coherent for the majority of that conversation, God he hoped he didn’t say anything stupid. Allison had already had a hard enough time not talking down to him when he was physically thirteen, and this ridiculously tiny body was definitely  _ not  _ making anything better. 

To make everything worse, he had completely wasted an entire night’s worth of work. 

He needed coffee. No matter how bad it would taste, he needed something to shake off this exhaustion. He also needed to be away from his siblings and their constant inquiries. 

Part of him knew that they were only trying to help, but the other larger part of him couldn’t stand the thought of them asking him any more questions that he didn’t have the answers to. 

He slid out of bed and made his way silently downstairs, praying to whatever gods there were that the kitchen would be empty.

No such luck.

Diego was standing by the phone fiddling with one of his knives. He looked up as Five entered the kitchen and grumpily made his way to the coffee machine. 

“Oh hey Five-” 

“Can’t a man get a cup of coffee in peace?”

“Maybe a man can,” he snickered, “but last I checked you were a kindergartner.”

God he was actually going to kill his brother. But before he had time to formulate a scathing reply, Diego was already talking again.

“Just thought you might like to know that your friend called.”

What? Five by no definition had any friends, so this could only be bad news. 

“Care to elaborate?” he asked flatly as he poured a cup of coffee for himself. 

“Goes by the name Hazel. You know, the guy who killed Eudora in the last timeline, the guy who kidnapped and tortured our brother. He said he has something you’ll want.”

Now that was interesting. Five knew that he should by no means trust Hazel, but the way he had so casually allowed him to get away last night stirred something in his chest. Then there was also the fact that he had wanted to retire in the last timeline, had said he was done with needless killing. 

“What did you say to him?” 

“Told him he could rot in hell, that if he ever thought about hurting Patch, or any of us again, I’d track him down and kill him.”

Five resisted the urge to physically face-palm. He wondered if Diego was capable of not being a hot-headed moron for even one second of his life. 

“Did he say he wanted to meet me somewhere by any chance?” he asked, trying his best to keep his voice level.

“Yeah, and I told him to fuck off.”

“Jesus Diego, did you ever think that maybe he wanted to help us?” 

“Why the hell would he want to help us? He literally tried to KILL you, are you somehow forgetting that?”

_ Yeah _ , Five thinks,  _ except he didn’t _ . Not this time anyways. 

“God you’re so pig-headed sometimes.”

“Excuse me?” he replied incredulous. “You’re not actually thinking of going to meet him right?”

Instead of answering, Five simply disappeared in a flash of blue, leaving Diego to stare dumbfounded at the now empty kitchen. 

So Hazel had something he wanted? That could mean a multitude of things. It also meant that he must want something in return. Five didn’t need to ask Diego if he had left a specific location to find him at, he had a pretty good idea he knew where he was. 

Five slipped his shoes and coat back on, he was still in his uniform which he had slept in, but there were more important things to worry about right now. 

Before any of his other siblings could accost him, he jumped.

He stumbled out in front of Griddy’s, and sure enough there was a lone car parked in the lot. He approached it cautiously, he had no reason to be sure that this would not go South, and it was always better to take unnecessary precautions than to be a dead man. 

The window of the car rolled down to reveal Hazel sitting in the driver's seat. Hazel who had come alone. Even more interesting. 

“Where’s Cha Cha,” he asked immediately. 

“She’s not here. Probably still at the hotel,” Hazel replied casually. 

Five was still a few paces away from the car, he rose onto the balls of his feet to peer in through the window. He was surprised to see who was sitting in the passenger seat.

“Dolores,” he couldn’t help himself from whispering. 

“Yeah, I thought you might want her back.”

This was definitely too good to be true.

“What do you want?” 

“Information.”

“Information on what?” Five couldn’t help the confusion seeping into his tone. What knowledge could he have that Hazel would possibly want to know. 

“Information on the apocalypse. More specifically how to stop it,” he stated simply. 

“And why exactly would you want that?” 

“You wanna talk about this inside?” Hazel nodded his head toward the shop, “I’ll buy you a coffee.”

Five thought about it for moment, weighing his options before replying,

“I could go for a doughnut.” 

Hazel seated them at a booth, not too long after an older woman came up to meet them with a pot of coffee. Five vaguely recognized her from the first timeline, but couldn’t be bothered to recall her name.

“Hello Hazel,” she greeted sweetly.

“Agnes,” he acknowledged with a smile. 

Right, Agnes. That was her name. 

“And who’s this little cutie?” she asked in that same offensively sweet tone.

“Nephew,” Hazel replied quickly, before Five could snarl at her.

“How sweet. I’ll go grab you two a couple of doughnuts.”

“Thank you.”

With that she disappeared behind the counter again. 

“Anyways, where were we?” Hazel began again, “oh yes, stopping the apocalypse.”

“Right,” Five didn’t even try to hide the skepticism in his voice.

“Look Five, my killing days are behind me. I’d like to settle down. Let’s just just say I have a vested interest in the world  _ not  _ ending.”

“More like a vested interest in a specific  _ someone  _ not dying, right?” Five asked, cocking his eyebrow.

Hazel sighed,

“Don’t act like your motives are any different Five.”

“Okay, so you know I’m trying to save my family and by consequence the world, what do you want?”

“I want to help.”

And there it was, Five’s suspicions confirmed. The old bastard did want to help, and judging by the way he was looking at this doughnut lady Agnes, he wasn’t bluffing either. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how useful an alliance with Hazel could prove to be. Not to mention the fact that getting Dolores back would also provide a great relief. Diego wouldn’t like this, but when had Five ever let Diego’s feelings get in the way of his goal?

“Okay,” he started, “I’ll tell you what you can do.”

“What?” Hazel replied eagerly.

“Get rid of Cha Cha.”

A moment of silence passed between them. Hazel appeared to be deep in thought, his eyebrows scrunching together.

“You want me to kill her?” he asked finally.

“Whatever you have to do. I can’t have her on my tail. Trying to deal with the other commission lackeys will be trouble enough. This would help a lot.” 

It would be the best option. Five was sure that if the other commission agents decided to make an appearance he could handle it. But Cha Cha was good, he hated to admit it, and the longer he could keep her and potentially even the Handler out of his hair, the better. After a while, Hazel finally replied,

“Okay.” 

Agnes returned and deposited a plate with two doughnuts on the table.

“Enjoy,” she smiled.

As soon as she turned her back, Five was gone in another flash of blue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a really fun chapter to write, if you can't tell i've got a big ol soft spot for soft Hazel. let me know what yall think!


	8. A Change of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five and Diego argue, because it's what they do best.

Five returned to the academy with Dolores in tow. It was much harder to carry her around now that they were basically the same height but he was not going to let that stop him. Almost as soon as he entered his room, Diego was barging in and yelling,

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry, what the hell is wrong with _me?_ ” he replied incredulously. 

“Yeah what happened to not going out alone?” 

God his brother was dense.

“That was for all of _you_.”

“Okay what the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean? Where did she come from? Where the hell did you go?” accusations were flying off of Diego’s tongue in a rapid fire.

“Is something wrong?” came Vanya’s voice from the door.

Five buried his face in his hands, sighing exasperatedly.

“The problem is that he-” Diego jabbed an accusatory finger at Five, “thinks he’s so much better than the rest of us that he can go galavanting off on his own.”

“You went out alone?” and dammit Vanya sounded so hurt and betrayed and yet just annoyingly concerned enough to sound condescending. Five only allowed this to fuel his anger.

“Well it’s not exactly like you were raring to come with me Diego!” He fired back. 

“Wait did you actually meet up with Hazel?! You little asshole, I’m gonna kill you!” Diego made a lunge for him, but Five was quicker, jumping onto his desk. 

“Yes as a matter of fact I _did_ go and meet Hazel, and guess what moron? He wants to _help_ us. Just like I thought he would,” Five sneered at him, just barely avoiding sticking out his tongue like an actual petulant child. 

“Okay both of you need to calm down,” Vanya tried to soothe. And for a moment it appeared to have worked. Diego took a deep breath, tenting his hands together, before shouting out with a renewed vigour,

“He tried to kill you!” 

“Oh come on!” Vanya yelled now, giving up the role of peacemaker. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em

“Diego, he _saved_ me,” Five countered. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Last night when I was at the department store, he could’ve shot me and he purposely missed. He let me get away. He’s on our side.”

Diego and Vanya both took a moment to process that, Five even had the time to let himself believe that he had finally won the argument when the two of them erupted again.

“You went out alone?”

“You were _where_ last night?!”

Five groaned and let his head fall into his hands. He knew he probably should not have revealed that much, but in the heat of his anger he couldn’t think of any other way to convince them of Hazel’s change of heart. 

“What’s going on in here?”

Oh great, this was just great, now Allison was here to join the screamfest that was unfolding. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Five seethed. 

“Five went alone,” Vanya stated, the traitor. “ _Twice.”_

“You went out again?” Allison gave Five what could only be described as one of her ‘mom glares’ which of course only served to aggravate him more.

“It doesn’t matter!” he yelled back.

“Wait, you knew about the first time?” Vanya asked, confusion lacing her tone.

“Of course I knew, I had to patch up a fucking bullet hole in his arm.”

With that statement, Diego’s head whipped back to Five. Five swore he could see actual flames flickering in Diego’s eyes.

“You got shot?!”

Five rolled his eyes.

“It was a scratch,” God why were his siblings always overreacting about everything. 

“Scratched by a fucking bullet! Oh yes that definitely reassures me that you are fine to be out on your own,” Diego scoffed back. 

“Well I could’ve died but-”

“That doesn’t make it better you bastard.”

“But I didn’t! Because of Hazel! Now can you trust him?” 

Luther’s concerned face suddenly appeared at the door,

“Is everything okay in here?”

A chorus of four voices responded at once,

“No!” 

And poor Luther could only stare dumbfounded at the mess that he had just walked into. He tried to process all of his siblings shouting at once but everything was so hectic he could barely make anything out. He thought he might’ve heard the words ‘Five’ and ‘alone’, maybe even ‘bullet’ and ‘Hazel’. 

“Okay, enough,” he bellowed, his deep voice filling the room and instantly silencing everyone. For a short moment at least, until with a roll of his eyes Diego sneered,

“Oh fuck no. I’m not gonna let Number One come in and tell me what to do now.”

“Oh shut up Diego,” Allison bit back.

And then the room dissolved into arguments again.

God Five was actually going to kill his family. They couldn’t even pull it together to have one civil discussion. Maybe the world was doomed after all. Sorry Hazel, he did his best, but there was apparently no helping these assholes. 

“Now I hate to interrupt this family bonding time, though I can’t believe I wasn’t invited,” Klaus was stood in the doorway examining his nails, and when he felt that a sufficient amount of attention was drawn to him he continued, “it’s just that I have received some very trivial information.”

Diego let out an exasperated “what?”

“I found Peabody.”

Five and Vanya reacted at almost the same time,

“You call that _trivial_?”

“That’s not what trivial means Klaus.” 

Vanya pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a sigh, then looked up at her brother.

“Okay, so where is he?” 

“I will tell you everything!” Klaus said, clapping his hands together, “family meeting in the living room?”

There were several eyerolls and groans, but no verbal protests. Klaus considered that a win.

“Great. Come along then. And Five dear get off the furniture please, this house is not a jungle gym.”

“Oh fuck you,” he bit back, but he did hop off his desk. 

They all followed Klaus down to the living room, where he promptly plopped himself into an armchair. He crossed his legs and folded his hands over his knee, waiting for the rest of his siblings to take a seat. 

“Okay,” he started, “So I have good news and bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” Five asked immediately, there was no point in beating around the bush.

“Weeell it kind of makes more sense if I start with the good news-”

“Jesus Klaus just tell us,” snapped Diego.

“Right okay, so good news is I found Peabody, well more like Ben found Peabody.”

“You already told us that,” Vanya sighed.

“Right right. Anyways the bad news is that he appears to be working with Hazel and Cha Cha.”

Diego sent an infuriated glare in Five’s direction.

“That’s impossible,” Five stated.

“Oh little brother I think you’ll find that it is very much possible,”

“I’m not your little brother.”

“You’re not my _younger_ brother, but you are in fact little-”

“Guys!” snapped Allison, “are we forgetting we have several murderers on the loose?” 

Luther nodded,

“Yeah, where did you find Peabody?” 

“He was at some skeevy hotel. Ben used his ghost sneaking abilities to find him there. Find him there, with Hazel and Cha Cha.”

Now that didn’t make sense. Why would Hazel be working with Cha Cha and Peabody? And when did this happen? Was that part of Hazel’s plan all along? Had Five been tricked? It stung a little more than he cared to admit. 

“Wait, when was this?” he asked. 

“Last night.”

Ha! So Hazel had changed his mind then? Five massaged his temples, this was starting to get confusing. Why had Hazel left out that he knew where Peabody was? Dammit he should have asked more questions. Or maybe if he had stuck around a bit longer, Hazel would have offered up more information. Fuck, he’d been so concerned about getting Dolores back that he had left so many loose ends untied. 

“Oh wait,” Klaus began again, “also this morning apparently. Oh shit!” 

A chorus of ‘what’s’ rang out. 

“Ben says that if I would shut up listen to him, I could tell you guys that Hazel and Cha Cha are on their way here right now.”

Silence.

“And Peabody!?” he continued, throwing a bewildered look to his left. 

“What the fuck Klaus!”

Five swore he could feel Ben face palming as well. This was bad. This was very bad. Not only had Five allowed himself to be deceived, but he had basically led the assassins right to his house. He had opened the front door and welcomed them in. 

“Right Five, so what was this about Hazel wanting to help us again?” Diego snapped at him. 

And fuck he couldn’t deal with this right now. He had to get his family to safety, they all had to get out of here.

But it was too late.

A noise that distinctly sounded like the door jam falling out rang through the hall. 

Fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so will i ever write a scene with both diego and five where they don't argue? who's to say?  
> i swear they love each other, they are both just very protective and bad at expressing their feelings okay  
> also we been knew this family is not physically capable of having a civilized conversation, hope you enjoyed this chaos
> 
> also my tumblr if anyone wants to come say hi:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/quelquechose-enfrancais


	9. Machine Gun Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy whaddup i'm back

Hazel ate both of the doughnuts. He wasn’t about to let them go to waste, not when Agnes had worked so hard to make them. He pulled a pen out of his pocket, drew a little heart on his unused napkin and left a tip on the table. 

He returned to his car, noting that the mannequin was no longer in the passenger seat. That was the thing about Five he supposed, he was always quick about his business. In and out in record time. That’s why the Handler talked about him so much. Gosh she was practically obsessed with the man. Child? Man-child? Who knew at this point. 

Hazel started the car and made his way back to the hotel. Cha Cha had said that Harold Jenkins would meet them there. Hazel sighed, Harold Jekins? Leonard Peabody? Whatever name the man was going by. 

Cha Cha’s plan had seemed a bit far fetched, even by Hazel’s standards. Their new mission had been to ensure the end of the world, by any means necessary. Kind of a vague assignment if you asked him. His pay grade was definitely not high enough to be formulating his own mastermind strategies. And besides, that wasn’t something field agents were supposed to do anyways. But the commission had been in a bit of a disarray lately thanks to a certain someone blowing up half of the headquarters. 

Oh well, at least the Handler had her own fair share of troubles to deal with, she wouldn’t be keeping too close an eye on them. That might make it easier for Hazel to get away with what he was about to do. 

The plan, or Cha Cha’s plan at the moment, was to attempt to get that one Hargreeves girl to blow up the moon again. This would likely be more difficult now that the whole family knew about her powers. But after going through the files over and over again, it was deemed to be a plausible approach. 

It was agreed that Leonard Peabody would still be a fairly sore subject with the family, and if they could convince him somehow to kidnap one of the siblings, it would aggravate Vanya enough to cause some apocalyptic damage. 

Hazel would have thought that it would have taken more effort to persuade Peabody to capture and hold someone hostage for them. But the man was surprisingly on board, something about a life long vendetta. Cha Cha read most of the file so Hazel trusted she knew what she was doing.

Except now he didn’t want to do it. 

All three of them had been at the department store last night, waiting for Five. And then as expected, Five had shown up. Except he was a child. Well even more of a child than before. And Hazel had faltered, he couldn’t kill a toddler. 

And what would be the point? Why was he actively running towards something that was going to make him miserable? After the whole disaster in the last timeline, he had figured that Agnes might be better off without him. That he should simply do what he was told and not make a fuss. No one would get hurt that way. Well except the people he was killing. But no one he  _ knew  _ would get hurt. Except for himself of course. And maybe it was selfish, but he didn’t think he could do that to himself.

Was it so wrong to want a happy ending? 

Hazel sighed as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. Cha Cha slid into the passenger seat, Peabody hopped in the back. 

\---

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Get down,” Five hissed, “and if any of you have been hiding a weapon on your person, now would be a good time to draw it.”

He got a number of blank looks in response to that statement, but Diego was already one step ahead of him. Several knives whizzed around the corner causing several grunts.

“Now Five, we just want to talk.”

That was definitely Peabody’s voice. Ironic that after days of looking for him he would finally turn up in their front entryway

“No one has to get hurt.”

Yeah right, he thought. 

He jumped to his room, yanking open his top dresser drawer to grab the pistol that was stashed there. It felt big and awkward in his hand, but it was better than nothing. 

He popped back into the living room where all hell was breaking loose. As if Leonard Peabody hadn't been enough on his own, now he was armed with machine guns. Great.

Five grabbed Vanya’s arm and brought her through a jump with him. They landed somewhere on the top floor.

“Five-”

“Please stay here,” he nearly begged. The more siblings he could get out of harm's way, the better. Then he could figure what to do.

“I can-”

“Please Vanya.” He must have looked truly desperate, because she conceded.

“Okay.”

When he returned to the living room Allison, Luther, and Diego were all holding their own. Klaus was nowhere in sight, but since Hazel, Cha Cha, and Peabody were, Five wasn’t too worried about it. From his vantage point he wouldn’t be able to get a clear shot without potentially harming one of his siblings. It wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. 

Yet.

A round of shots rang out and everybody ducked. Five wondered briefly if anyone had shown Peabody how to use a machine gun, or if they had simply thrusted one into his hands and yelled go psycho go! 

Five did another quick scan of the room, weighing his options. 

Cha Cha appeared to be bleeding from one arm, that was a good sign. But it wasn’t enough. The odds were stacked against his siblings, a few knives and some hand to hand combat were no match for Peabody's fire power. From his position behind the couch, Five chanced a shot at the man. Allison was still crouched behind a desk so it should be fine. 

His hand was shakier than he would’ve cared to admit and he completely missed the head he was aiming for. He got him in the arm instead and Peabody let a screech. 

Five tried to take a steadying breath, he needed to calm down if he was going to be of any use. Fuck he needed to get his family out of here. 

Suddenly Hazel was scooting up next to Five behind the couch. 

“What are you doing?” he whispered angrily.

“I’m sorry, I want to help I swear I do-”

“Then you have to make a decision Hazel!”

“I will-”

“And you have to make it now.”

With that Five thrust his gun into Hazel’s empty hands. It was a risky move, but he had a pretty good feeling about Hazel. And if he was wrong, well that would be very very bad. 

Hazel stared at him for the briefest of moments, but it was enough time for Five to witness a wave of conflicting emotions pass over his face. 

God he really hoped he had made the right decision. He almost felt like crossing his fingers for luck, but then he thought of how silly that would be. And besides, he didn’t believe in luck anyways. 

But then Hazel's face firmed up, the man had reached his conclusion. In one swift move he swung his arms over the back of the couch, finger poised on the trigger. 

A single shot rang out. 

Cha Cha fell to the floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, it took me a really long time to figure out what the plot was actually going to be lol, anyways this is what we're going with now.   
> Also season 2 biotches I am so ready!!

**Author's Note:**

> Me having Allison carry a bleeding and unconscious Five: is this a hug??
> 
> Don't worry, hugs will arrive...just not yet. But I mean come on guys we can't have catharsis in the first chapter, that just wouldn't do. 
> 
> Also side note, Five receives exactly zero hugs in season 1 and I will die mad about it.


End file.
